Being Happy
by AfewSentencesShortOfaParagraph
Summary: Eli is trying so hard to maintain his friendship with Clare. But there are some things he just can't handle...like watching Clare slip further and further away from who she once was. Everyone has a breaking point... Post Now or Never; one-shot


**I've been a little restless with my writing lately, and what better to focus my energy than a one-shot? Nothing, I tell you! I was inspired to write this by Junior Doctor's song Alright. Give it a listen; your ears will be pleased!**

**This is in Eli's point of view, and set, hypothetically, somewhere in the second half of season 11. **

**I don't own Degrassi…unless you count all the seasons I own on DVD! Enjoy, folks. **

Staying friends with Clare Edwards was harder than I thought it would be. And it wasn't for the reasons you would think.

Since I had (kind of) crashed his cabin party, only to then save Clare from the woods, Jake had unnecessarily treated me like some kind of hero. He was constantly inviting Adam and me to get coffee with him at The Dot. He seemed to think I was some expert on music so he was always asking for my opinions. I, in turn, ridiculed his lack of interest in literature, and he seemed to think I was trying to be endearing. He was also under the insane impression that I wanted to spend every waking moment with him and Clare, so Jake was often calling me to come over the Edwards-Martin casa. For whatever reason, Jake seemed to think we were the best of friends.

As pushy as he was, though, it was really hard to hate Jake Martin. It was hard to be annoyed and uncomfortable because he was so fucking gracious and appreciative…but, damn, he was so fucking gracious and appreciative! And it _was_ annoying. And, fuck, I had passed uncomfortable weeks ago.

But, after every awkward cup of coffee finished…after every unnaturally silent movie watched…Clare would smile at me. Not just any smile, either; that awful light-up-from-the-inside-I'll-steal-your-heart-and-rip-it-to-shreds smile. She would always end the long and uncomfortable evening with a comment about how genuinely _happy_ she was that I was still in her life.

And, God Damnit, if it weren't for her happiness I would have given up the miserable charade months ago.

But she was happy, and in a sick, twisted way that made me happy, too.

The real problem was…she wasn't the Clare I knew and loved anymore. And sticking around to watch the monster make a mockery of the sweet, innocent girl I once called a dear friend hurt more than enduring hours upon hours with her and her boyfriend. And, of course, that cut in its own special way as well.

"I don't know why you continue to put yourself through all this. The Eli I know would not be holding his tongue," Fiona sighed exasperatedly. I snatched a bite of her eel sushi as she continued down a path of conversation that was basically scripted for us these days. I would start by making a vague side comment, Fiona would know what I was referring to and then she would go on to attack Clare and Jake for blindly putting me through so much pain. Fiona was not Clare's or Jake's biggest fan these days. Which made her much more fun to complain to than Adam…usually. "Keep your paws off my lunch, Goldsworthy, you have your own. Seriously, though, just tell me why you haven't told either of them off!"

"You know why, Fiona."

"It makes her happy, blah, blah, blah. Being self-sacrificing doesn't make you well adjusted, Eli. In this case it just kind of makes you a pushover." I rolled my eyes at her, but I knew she was right. Fiona meant well, and I appreciated her concern, but I would handle my problems on my own. She reached across the table to cover my hand with her own. "You know I just care about you, right? I hate seeing you so hurt and unhappy."

"Talking about Clare and Jake again, I see," Adam joked as he plopped down next to me at our table. Any post-relationship weirdness that Fiona and Adam had was long-since sorted out. They got along quite nicely, and we hung out together as often as possible. In fact, our regular group was almost complete…one eccentric, cat ear wearing, thespian would perfect our foursome.

"I was just reminding Eli that Clare isn't a gypsy; she shouldn't be allowed this magical hold on him." Fiona stuck her tongue out at me, but somehow managed to make the act of immaturity look graceful.

My rebuttal was cut off by the arrival of Imogen. She slid onto the bench next to Fi, placing her head in the crook of Fiona's shoulder in one fluid motion. "I brought a cupcake for my cupcake," Imogen set down a tiny but elaborately decorated cupcake before giving Fiona a tiny peck on the lips.

"Thanks, dear," Fiona smiled fondly at Imogen. No one was more surprised by their relationship than I was when in reality I should have been the first to see it coming. Imogen and Fiona had really hit it off over the summer, and their flirt fests lasted days at a time. I just had a lot on my mind and that's why their announcement in regards to their relationship had caught me off guard…at least telling myself that made me feel better. "Now, would you please tell Eli that he's going to be miserable the rest of his life if he doesn't abandon Clare soon."

"Eli should do whatever Eli feels is right for Eli," Imogen declared giving me a sad, small smile. I returned it as Fiona harrumphed. I knew out of Fiona, Imogen and Adam that Imogen understood, and therefore was the most empathetic to, what I was going through. After all, it was only now that she was with Fiona that she had started to relinquish her feelings for me.

"And what's right for Eli is rarely ever sane or socially acceptable," Adam teased, punching me lightly in the arm.

"I'm glad you all get so much amusement out of my misery," I growled as they erupted in laughter at Adam's comment.

"Face it, what kind of friends would we be if we didn't?" Fiona joked. "Besides, you have the power to get rid of your misery, so don't play the sympathy card, Goldsworthy."

"I'll remember that, Coyne, the next time you want someone to throw you an elaborate pity party."

"Noted," Fiona smirked at me and I had to roll my eyes to cover up my fond smile. I wasn't totally miserable as long as I had these guys by my side…but I was still pretty close.

XXX

"Eli!"

I groaned at the familiar voice calling my name. Was it too much to ask to be swallowed whole by my locker? I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, but I was still standing in the crowded halls of Degrassi when I opened them. Yep, it was too much to ask. "Hey Jake, what do you need?"

"Have you noticed that Clare seemed to be in a bad mood today?" Jake asked, leaning against the locker next to mine casually. How was it that he could not see me wince every time he brought her up? Was he really so easygoing that he was almost completely dense?

Homo sapiens never failed to disappoint me. Faith in the human race, meet your biggest nightmare.

"I haven't really talked to her today, Jake," I tried to brush him off, slamming my locker before starting to walk away.

"Yeah, but she was all…pissy with me today. I'm afraid if I ask her what's wrong she'll go berserk on me. I thought maybe you'd talk to her so you could find out what's wrong…?"

I stopped in the middle of the hall, hoisting my backpack further up my shoulder. "Let me get this straight: you want me to talk to Clare because she seems upset. You don't know what she's upset about, but if you ask she may yell at you. Instead, you want me to ask so I can endure the yelling?" I paused and Jake gave a curt nod. "Very persuasive, Martin; you have me convinced."

"Great, I knew I could count on you. Thanks, Eli," Jake smiled as he patted me on the back and took off down the hall. "She has newspaper right now, but you should come over our house around five!" After yelling that down the hall at me, Jake disappeared.

What the fuck? He was definitely dense. Or just a prick. I knew Jake was well versed in the art of sarcasm, so there was no way he could have thought I was seriously persuaded.

Of course, I could always just _not_ go.

But I would…because as much as I rolled my eyes and brushed Fiona off, she was right. I was a total pushover when it came to Clare Edwards. If she was upset, I would do my best to cheer her up.

I trudged home, using the alone time with myself to think about what I was doing. There was no denying that I was playing with fire…the pills helped, and the fact that Clare wasn't the same person anymore made it easier to be around her without turning into the obsessive person I once was. But she was still Clare. I wasn't going to go through drastic measures to steal her away from Jake, but I still loved her. It hurt that she seemed to be totally oblivious to that fact, and it pissed me off that Jake continued to take advantage.

I sighed as I unlocked my front door. I felt like we had come full circle; we were back to being friends. But, even though I should have found comfort in that fact, it felt painfully ironic.

I didn't want to think about it anymore, so I started in on some homework. It held my attention until I happened to glance at the clock and notice it was already 5:30…time for my nose dive.

I left a note for my mom so she'd know where I had disappeared to, and then hopped on my bike and rode toward Clare's house. I took note of the fact that there weren't any cars in the driveway before stashing my bike in the bushes and ringing the doorbell.

I had no idea what the hell I was even going to say to Clare, so a part of me just wanted to walk away. A part of me hoped that no one would answer the door; that nobody was home.

My hopes were always dashed though.

"Hey, Eli, what are you doing here?" Clare asked pleasantly, opening the door wide enough for me to walk past.

"Um, is Jake home?" I asked, confused. He had made it sound like he would be around even if he wasn't the one asking Clare what had her down…

I took note of the way her nose scrunched up slightly at the mention of Jake; her blue eyes hardened just slightly. Oh, she was definitely pissed. That was a classic Clare sign of displeasure. "No, he's not. I don't know where he is, but he was supposed to wait for me till yearbook was over. I had to walk home. And I'm pretty sure my mom and Glen went shopping…"

Wow, Jake was even stupider than I originally thought. Clare's already mad at me…let's forget to pick her up, too. I didn't like the odds of being left alone with her when she was so obviously upset. It shouldn't be my job to console her.

I made my way into the kitchen and grabbed bottled water from the fridge so I could hide my frown of disapproval from Clare. This whole situation was just so fucked up. I thought I would at least have one person as a buffer.

"How are things with that, anyway?" I asked Clare as I handed her a bottle. We sat down at the kitchen table and Clare raised her eyebrow in question. "Your new, bizarre family arrangement. I know you were upset about the wedding and all…how are you doing now?"

"Oh, it's um…I should be happy that my mom is happy, right? But I just feel like she rushed into things. Not to mention she still has not idea about Jake and me; makes the house a generally awkward place to live. But you never answered my question- what are you doing here, acting like you own the place," Clare chuckled, gesturing at my water bottle.

"Oh, you know, I was riding my bike around and I got thirsty. I decided to stop by, bum your water, and then get out of your hair."

I smirked at Clare as she completed an exaggerated eye roll. "Your cover story could use some work; it's really lame."

"Ouch; I took a full five seconds to come up with that, Edwards. I am offended."

"Yes, I'm sure I've wounded your fragile ego."

"Apology accepted," I sipped the water smugly as Clare giggled. Her happiness was fleeting, though. Almost instantly she went back to the subtle bitterness. "So, spill it, Clare."

"Spill what, exactly?" she questioned, rotating her bottle in her hands and refusing to meet my gaze.

"I don't know; whatever has you in such a funky mood…"

She looked anxious, like she wanted to let the floodgates lose and talk, but she still hesitated. "Did someone put you up to this…there's no way you could have known I needed someone to talk to otherwise."

I sighed; to tell the truth, or not to tell the truth. It wasn't like I had anything to lose, so…truth it was. "Yeah, Jake noticed your mood today and wanted me to find out what had you so upset."

"That little…crap I am going to kill him!" I wasn't expecting Clare's reaction, so when her fist made contact with the table I jumped in the air. "He's such an arrogant jerk and I can't believe he wouldn't come to talk to me himself."

My heart fell through my stomach, landing somewhere in my shoes. I hadn't realized it, but somewhere in my head, for a precious, fleeting moment, I had thought Clare was angry that Jake would put me up to something like because it had such potential to hurt; to screw with my so-called progress. The old Clare might have been, and I guess I couldn't help but hope that Clare would wake up one day and be that girl again. But she wasn't. This new Clare cared about my well-being just about as much as her step-brother boyfriend.

In other words, she really didn't care. Nope, she was too busy thinking about herself.

"Hey, Clare, calm down. He wanted to give you space if you needed it, but he also wants to fix whatever it is that he did," I lied smoothly, hiding my sudden disappointment as best as I could. I supposed it was a good thing Clare was too caught up in herself to notice my dismay.

"Yeah, I'm sure," Clare growled, pushing away from the table. She began to pace the room grumbling under her breath as her face continued to grow a darker red.

I knew I would regret it, but since I was there…time to ask, "What did he even do?"

"We've been together for one month today, and I've been dropping hints about it all week, but Jake has barely even talked to me today. I just want to be able to go out on a proper date for once. It sucks to have to walk on eggshells in my own house because my mom would blow a gasket if she found out Jake and I are still seeing each other. Sometimes I kind of hate her for taking away my chance of openly dating the guy I love. And then Jake really doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. Gosh, I just want to have one nice evening that I don't have to plan myself. I want Jake to take the initiative and treat me to a fairytale evening."

Clare continued to pace throughout her speech and I watched her, my eyes narrowing with every sentence. I felt something strange inside me snap, and I lost control over the carefully cultivated front I put up for Clare's sake. I hadn't known I was so close to my breaking point, but I had finally encountered the straw that broke the camel's back. This wasn't Clare. I didn't love this girl in front of me. I would not sit by and let her push me around anymore.

"Who the fuck are you, and what happened to Clare Edwards?" I asked, pushing myself to my feet in fury.

Clare, surprised, stopped her frantic pacing to stare at me with wide eyes. "Ex-excuse me?"

"Do you even hear yourself?" I chuckled humorlessly at my rhetorical question. "You sound like a spoiled brat, Clare."

I started for the door; I didn't even want to be in the same room with her anymore. Fuck her and her boyfriend. I wanted no part in this anymore. I wanted to be free and move on, but Clare's small fingers closed around my wrist and she jerked me back around. "What the hell, Eli? Where is this coming from?" Her eyes were wild with anger and her nostrils flared…I saw no trace of the sweet, innocent girl I once knew. I felt my heart shatter a bit. This was worse than when Clare left me at the hospital.

This was like finding out once and for all that Clare had died.

It was Julia all over again…except this wasn't entirely my fault.

Clare seemed to be oblivious to the fact that I was coming apart in front of her. "Answer me, Eli, what gives you the right to insult me?"

I shook my head at her, trying to keep tears from building up in my eyes. She kept kicking me while I was down; I would not let her see me cry, too. "You really don't see it? Clare, your mom is happy, and she found someone to share that happiness with. And here you are professing some deep hate for her because she doesn't want you to be dating your step-brother. Can you honestly say that sounds like something the Clare Edwards who once vowed to stick by my side as I dealt with hording would do? Look, Clare, I know the divorce is still hard on you. I know finding the divorce papers screwed with your preexisting notions and your faith. But that is no excuse to run around and treat people like dirt. That's not a healthy way to deal with your betrayal."

Clare's hand dropped from my wrist as if she had been shocked. "I don't…it's not…I haven't been treating anyone like dirt, have I?" Clare cast her face downward, but I could see her shoulders quiver ever so slightly. I wanted to feel guilt for making her cry, for bringing things up she obviously wasn't ready to talk about, but I still had more to say. I couldn't stop then…not when I was on a roll. There was just so much that needed to be said.

"Yes, Clare, you have- your mom, Glen…me. Do you realize how unbelievably…_painful_ it has been for me to sit around and watch your relationship with Jake. And then you actually have to audacity to keep asking me to come back for me. You complain to me about the things Jake does that upset you. Do you really not get how hard this is for me? Are you really that self-absorbed that you wouldn't even stop to think that it kills me to watch you slowly morph into someone who is a mockery of the sweet girl I loved?"

"I…Eli, I never thought of it like that."

"You're right. You didn't. Because you're too busy dating your step-brother, Clare. Come on, you are setting your new family up for so much destruction and somewhere in that head of yours I know the moral Clare is bothered by that. Your mother is only trying to do what's best for you and for her. But you're not letting her, and it's hurting everyone around you. You haven't spoken to Alli in God knows how long…Adam just doesn't like to come around as often because you complain all the time…and, dammit Clare, you knew I still loved you. You've been stringing me along for weeks. Granted, I knew it and I let it happen, but why would you? You let Jake play along as well. I can't take it anymore, though, okay? I can't be your friend…and had you been the person you are now when we first met…well, we would have never been friends in the first place."

I wasn't sure if any of my words were coming together to form proper sentences, but it didn't matter anymore. I just let them flow out, exposing my thoughts, raw, one last time for Clare to hear. Because, now that everything was said and done, I felt ten times lighter. This was not my problem anymore. I could move on. I would move on.

"Eli, I…I'm sorry. I just…"

"Save it, Clare," I cut her off. "Look, I'm sorry if that was hard to hear, and I'm really sorry I made you cry," I paused for a moment to lift her chin up and wipe a few of the tears from her cheek, "but I was just diagnosed as bipolar. I have to look out for me first and foremost. And I haven't been. I don't want to go back to that dark place I lived in last year…I want to be happy. And I have to let go of you in order to do that. So, for now, I can't be around you." I dropped my hand from her face and retreated to the door.

As I closed it behind me I heard Clare's loud sobs, and I almost turned around to console her. But she was strong…she would find out how to handle this in the best way possible for herself.

Just like I had to leave because it was the best possible thing for me; witch each meter put between Clare and me I felt the welcoming arms of happiness.

XXX

It was hard adjusting. Of course, everyone was supportive of my choice…more than supportive, really. Fiona nearly threw me a damn party. Cece and Bullfrog were pretty relieved. Adam was proud of me. Imogen was sympathetic to my second thoughts. They were all great.

But that didn't make it any easier to pass Clare in the halls every now and then. It didn't make it any easier to not want to call her with good news. And it definitely didn't make it easier to watch her fall over Jake.

But I did it…and by the time the third month had passed sans Clare I felt like I had finally written the end to that chapter of my life. I was moving on to the next.

"We'll only be gone until Sunday morning," Cece reminded me, shoving another pre-made meal into our refrigerator. "Your dad is so excited to be following this tour for a few nights, but don't hesitate to call if anything goes wrong, okay, baby boy? I can be home in a flash."

"I know, Mom, but you really don't need to worry about me- I'll be fine."

"Hurry up, woman!" Bullfrog called from the foyer.

"Okay, okay…we're leaving now. I love you, Eli. Be good!"

"I won't do anything that you two wouldn't do," I joked following them outside as they climbed into the car.

"Very funny, smart ass," Bullfrog quipped. "Promise you'll behave or your mother will have a heart attack."

I held up my right hand. "I promise."

"Good, now let's hit the road," Bullfrog called, gunning the engine and ripping away from the curb.

Once I was back inside, I turned on the TV and settled in for a peaceful night of horror films. I was anticipating a night filled with me, myself and I, but about half an hour after my folks had left there was a knock on the front door.

I groaned, stretched, and yanked the door open to find the last person I had expected to see there.

I stood staring with my jaw slacked. "May I come in?" Clare asked shyly.

"I…um…yeah, sure," my mind was screaming warning signals at me, but it would have been rude to turn her away off hand. Clare tentatively walked past me and stood in the middle of my living room. "Why are you here?" I asked, figuring it would be best to get to the point. After months with absolutely no contact it was especially strange for Clare to show up unannounced.

"I wanted to talk to you…and I owe you a huge apology for the way I treated you."

"Oh," I had certainly not been expecting that. "Well, it's been a long time since…it's all water under the bridge, you know? It's best if we just forget about it and move past everything."

"I can't just forget about how awful I was to you, Eli. And, more importantly, I don't want to." I gave her a quizzical look; why would anyone want to relive their worst moments? "I took everything you said to me that day to heart. Every word, Eli, because you were right. I was becoming an awful person, and I hated myself."

"Clare, you don't owe me anything," I assured her, shifting uncomfortably.

But she shook her head and sat down on my couch. She patted the space next to her, and I reluctantly joined her. "I owe you a lot more than you would think. You hit the nail on the head, you know…when you said I was acting out of betrayal. I was pissed and my dad, furious even. But, worse than that, I was hurt. Every memory I had of him had been tainted by what he had done to our family. I wanted to try and erase everything in my life that reminded me of him…and in a weird way, that's why I clung to Jake. He wasn't there to witness what I was like during the actual divorce. Not to mention, Jake's a sweet guy, but he's kind of dense. He never looked past my fake smiles to see that I was depressed and bitter and angry. He takes everything at face value. So, he was perfect. I used him to avoid my break up with you, and I continued to use him to avoid my father. He provided a distraction, and I hung on to the ridiculous notion that I was in love with him."

I listened intently, and when Clare paused, I spoke up. "Clare, there were so many better ways to deal with what you were going through, though."

"I know, but I didn't want to deal with them. Which is why I was jerk to you. I wanted you around at all costs, but I didn't want you getting too close. You know me better than anyone, Eli. You would have forced me to face my issues…you wouldn't have accepted my lies or the false smiles. So, I was selfish. I kept asking you to stay, but then I'd flaunt my relationship with Jake to keep you at the perfect distance. I was manipulative and self-absorbed and horrible…and I am so, so extremely sorry."

She was sincere, that much was evident. Her eyes were intensely staring into mine, and I didn't miss the tears that started to fall. But there was something about her story that bothered me…"Okay, but why did you wait so long to tell me all this? If everything I said was so true, why didn't you come tell me you were sorry sooner? I would have loved to hear it," I shot at her bitterly.

Clare took a deep breath before continuing. "Because I wanted to make sure I fixed everything before I talked to you. I broke it off with Jake a few weeks ago after a long talk with my mom about how sorry I was about how I had acted." I started a little, surprised to hear that she was not with Jake anymore. And that she had actually talked to her mom… "We started going to therapy, as a family at first, but now I have individual sessions. It helps, being able to talk so freely to an objective person. I haven't contacted my dad yet, and he certainly hasn't made any more to talk to me…but I'm working up to it. I…I didn't want to come and see you until I was happy with who I was again. And it just so happens that it took about three months. I was more messed up than I let myself believe."

Clare hung her head, and, out of habit, I reached forward to console her. I placed my hand on her shoulder and she looked back up, meeting my eyes. "I don't get it," I admitted after a moment of silence. Clare was looking at me with those eyes…and it was dangerous. I had to keep talking before I did something stupid.

"What is it that puzzles you, exactly?" Clare prompted.

I stood and started to pace so I could expel some of my nervous energy. "Why you're here…telling me all this. It's not like…it's not like it changes anything. I'm still Eli and you're still Clare; I'm still the guy who crashed a hearse to bring us together and you're still the girl who left me when I needed her most. I've used this time to move on, Clare. I was over you! But now you're here…rambling about apologies…what am I supposed to do with this information; why now?" I was dangerously close to losing everything I had worked for in the past few months. I could feel her pull on me, stronger than ever, reeling me in.

Clare stood, too, and planted herself in front of me to stop the pacing. She grabbed me by the collar of my t-shirt and pulled me much to close. Her face was just a few inches from mine and I could feel her accelerated breath mingle with mine. I think my heart might have stopped beating.

"Because I love you, Eli. Dammit, I do. I've tried so many times to stop, but I just can't, and these three months have been hell. I swear my heart broke just a little more each time you immediately turned away upon spotting me in the halls. I missed you, and I need you. I don't want to be the girl that left you anymore. I want to make up for that…I want to fix everything I've done wrong, and I want to start with everything I've done to you."

I didn't bother to see if she was done before I crushed my lips over hers. She loved me…still, after everything, and that was kind of all that mattered in that second. Clare was surprised at first, but it didn't take her long to attack me with the same fervor that I was using on her lips. They were softer than I remembered…better…no memory would ever compare to the real thing. Clare's hands explored, running up and down any skin she had access to, so I did the same. I brushed my hands over her face, her arms, her waist…and then I pulled her closer to me with no intention of ever letting up my grip.

"I've waited a really long time to hear you say that," I told her once we had found the willpower to break apart.

"And I waited far too long to tell you," Clare admitted, her breath labored. I collapsed on the couch, and Clare followed suit, practically sitting in my lap. "So…am I forgiven?"

I laughed, trying to remember why I had ever been angry in the first place. It was hard considering what had transpired seconds earlier. "How about…we take it a day at a time so we can make sure we're not being complete idiots about rushing back into this. I was really hurt, Clare, and I can't just let go what you did…even if you do have a valid justification."

"That sounds fair," she conceded, smiling softly…but then her lips were on mine again and I forgot what the word slow meant.

I forgot my own name.


End file.
